Sunday, March 27, 2011


It can be hard on a heart to love a girl like this. It's wearing really, and every now and again I find myself in something less than a crisis of faith. Crisis is such a dramatic word. It should be reserved for more dire situations than the every day aches and pains of a life, the thousand natural shocks so to speak. Perhaps we can call it a quandary of personality. It has almost the same ring to it. Am I the man I profess to be? Do I tell myself who to be or do I simply live? It is a real struggle to be a good man. Such an ambiguous word for such an audacious goal. While it is always looks so easy to be a bad man. There are innumerable careless actions one could take, but usually only a few good ones. Sometime the best thing you can do is to hurt someone.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


My knees are covered with mud. My hair is dripping wet. I feel completely empty. I feel empty. I have slept little and eaten less. I am a man with no where to turn and only myself to blame. Really that is the biting point. That had I done things differently, one little word here, one change there, the world might be a little sunnier today. The world was sunnier yesterday. Now it feels gray gray gray. I should be happier. I should be the master of letting go. I don't know how anymore. I'm so tired still I cannot sleep. Every time I close my eyes my heart beats heavy and fast and I wake back up again. A man should not have to master such an art, and here I practice yet again. I should be happier. I am leaving soon. Leaving this whole lonely town behind. I screamed last night. I screamed and screamed and screamed.

If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.

You can't be sad when you're angry.
You can't be sad when you're angry.

You can't be sad when you're angry.

You can't be sad when you're angry!!

When you're lonely your sad

After meeting with my therapist for months you know what he said to me... lie... lie constantly and lie through your teeth. Your never gonna make it any other way. I don't fit in this world I really don't. I'm not sad without cause. I'm not depressed for no reason. I just honest to goodness do not fit in and it is so hard to lie all the time. I just need a place to be honest.

I can't even hope for that. Every time I try it all just falls apart. I've lost many friends trying to be honest. I must learn to be okay falling apart on my own, otherwise I may never be okay.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Starting Fresh

I recently accidentally deleted the past couple months of pictures which is pretty embarrassing for someone that is supposed to be tech savvy, but after spending over a week scanning my hard drive trying to get find them again I came up with nothing. So I shrugged my shoulders and decided I should go outside and take some more pictures.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

We Make Light of it

We make light of our pain. We poke fun at it and we laugh at it and we push it off, but we hurt. We all hurt, and underneath the veil of laughter is a land of tears. Just beneath the skin it seems. And we stand there, tenuously on our false laughter, often just about to break. Maybe sometimes we should, come to grips and realize that we just want to cry. I am bound and gagged by failure and missteps. I can no longer afford to rend my heart before the earth and yet I know of no better way to break through the veil. It is thin but it is strong and it is so hard to break in from the outside. I cannot help you. I cannot help you. I cannot help you. I know that I love you and I love to easily

is such a sacred place the land of tears

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Friday, December 28, 2007

Doll Parts

Just something else that I wanted to share with you.
"Yea they really want you they really want your they really do
Yea they really want you they really want you but I do to"

For all the friends I have the I struggle not to call every day. Loved by all wanted by all and I am I just trying so hard not to be... one among many. Not to be another person that calls you every day to tell you how much I love you. Not to be a bother to you :: sigh :: yea they really want you but I do too...

It just dawned on me why I feel this way about some of my friends. I feel like I contribute nothing to their lives. I am just another person hanging on to someone beautiful. I just realized that I need to feel needed and I don't, or at least not needed by all my friends. Are you the same? Is there anyone in your life that you feel would hardly even blink if you walked out of their life right now, yet you love them dearly? Is it fair, is it good, is it true? Is it love? Am I too thin skinned? I would cry if one of them walked out, I have.

my on again off again friend.