Doll Parts

Just something else that I wanted to share with you.
"Yea they really want you they really want your they really do
Yea they really want you they really want you but I do to"

For all the friends I have the I struggle not to call every day. Loved by all wanted by all and I am I just trying so hard not to be... one among many. Not to be another person that calls you every day to tell you how much I love you. Not to be a bother to you :: sigh :: yea they really want you but I do too...



It just dawned on me why I feel this way about some of my friends. I feel like I contribute nothing to their lives. I am just another person hanging on to someone beautiful. I just realized that I need to feel needed and I don't, or at least not needed by all my friends. Are you the same? Is there anyone in your life that you feel would hardly even blink if you walked out of their life right now, yet you love them dearly? Is it fair, is it good, is it true? Is it love? Am I too thin skinned? I would cry if one of them walked out, I have.

my on again off again friend.

My on again off again friend

I saw her yesterday, my on again off again friend. She invited me over and we spent a couple of hours together. We ate and talked for a bit then we went to see her boyfriend and one of my estranged friends play soccer. It felt awkward but not terribly awkward, I suppose the best word to describe the whole event was sterile. I'm not sure why it felt that way. I felt withdrawn from here, like I could no longer be myself. I sat across the room from her most of the time when we were alone, and at the soccer game we could both be distracted... we did not have to look at each other. We did not have to speak to each other about matters of consequence,

Disconnected

I wanted to connect with you this morning but I didn't know how. Sometimes I feel trapped by the constraints of society. We are only supposed to feel a certain way we are only supposed to think a certain way we are only supposed to love a certain way. The truth wells up inside of me and I choke on it as the external forces shove it back down my throat into my heart.

In truth their are no external forces I alone bite down on my tongue and stop myself from speaking, but it is not because I have accepted the rules set before me. It is only because I believe you have. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all, they are good rules to be sure, but I wonder if they reflect our true nature or if we just keep trying to fool ourselves into believing that they do.

I cannot connect.

Pure Morning

This article makes me cry every time I read it

The Washington Post

Wish me Luck

I have surgery tomorrow wish me luck.

The Caravan Rolls On

I got a message from someone today. It said "Hello friend" that is all. This from the friend that I had lost, that I mentioned earlier. I responded immediately "hello," at first I was happy, thinking maybe we can start talking again. Then I felt like I was some sort of wild animal gently being poked and tested to see if I would bite. I feel like she is testing the waters to see how cold they are. Part of me wants to be ice cold, and pretend that I have completely moved on from the friendship that we shared, and that I don't need it any more. Part of me want to make her try for my friendship and ask forgiveness for shutting me out for so long... it did not have to be so long.

But the only reason that I want to do that, the only reason I want to be cold is test her love so I could tell my self that she really wanted me in her life, and that she really wanted to be my friend. She would fail, I am quite certain of it. She does not need me in her life anymore than I need a swift kick in the junk.

I need her though, and it will end up being me trying to prove myself to her, perhaps as it should be for how I have displeased her. And yet, I still feel like a lowly dog that keeps coming back to get kicked, begging for forgiveness all the while.

Yes yes of course I still love you, and I still want to be your friend, oh please forgive me I have been so wrong all along,
take me when you want me,
use me when you need me
please just don't leave me when you're done... sigh you are all I have friend, you can use me again

my whole life
all along
just the same
empty shell
husk of man.

Fare Thee Well

...and I would hold them all in my heart if i could - every love and friend that I ever had to say goodbye to or never got the chance

No REALLY, how are you?

I have had some friends staying over for the past couple of days because their place is infested with bed bugs (and has been since before they moved in), and they are getting it taken care of. Consequently they don't feel comfortable sleeping there until the bugs are gone. I think the exterminator has to spray once a week for two months. They won't be staying for the whole two months, just until they can get their landlord to give them a different apartment. Anyways they are both really stressed about the situation which is understandable, and I am trying really hard to make them feel comfortable, and at home, but that is impossible. People need their own space, they need a time to be totally themselves, and that is very difficult for some people to do when they are in groups bigger than two. We are all in one apartment walking around each other and I can feel them like a towering pillar of stress and pain, and I just want to comfort them. I want to be a good friend, but I can't. At least not the way that I think of comfort. I must give space and by doing so I feel like I am smothering this burning desire to do exactly the opposite. Maybe If I could just tell them that I want to comfort them, but saying it feels so false - I want to comfort you - like asking some one how they are and not really wanting to hear the answer. We say it because we think we are supposed to say it. We use it as a manner of greeting each other and not so much as a question really. I try to ask it as a question, and not simply use it as a greeting, and when I do I look directly into my friends eyes and try to convey to them through some silent understanding that I was not simply saying hello, but actually asking, How - they - are - feeling.

I want to know I really do... I want to love, and comfort... I really do. I'm just holding my self back because I believe that is not what you want right now, am I wrong, could I hug you... you look like you could use one.

I want to wake up one morning and have all of the people that I love wake up, and know, that I was really asking, and stop assuming that I really didn't want to know.

It's one of those lonely self destructive nights where I just want to hurt, and I surround myself with all the empty space around me, with all the people that aren't there. Where words wont work for my any more and there is no way for me to convey the core of my feeling.

Fried

My brain is completely fried. I have not had a good nights sleep in two weeks almost and I can't focus at all. I got a brand new computer today and I can't even enjoy it. I have so much to do. I have never felt so mentally drained before. At least not that i can recall. This is probably turning out like crap. Oh well...........

Please Like Me, I Can Sing and Dance and Do Neat Tricks

Today was another long day for me. Classes have been really tough and I have been out of school for so long that it is even harder for me. I constantly feel like I am falling behind, or struggling to catch up. Part of the college experience is learning to prioritize your values. There are only so many things that I can do in a day, pages I can read, and code I can write. What here will affect my grade more. Maybe I can do it all. That's what I have been trying to do, consequently I have only slept one night this week and it is ... well Friday I suppose. To be honest I slept 3 nights this week, except for it was only 3 or 4 hours a night, and 8 hours on Wednesday.
I am dreaming in code. I am constantly thinking about my world in it. I had a dream the other night that this cute woman walked into my apartment and I was trying to figure out the best algorithm to talk to her, it was a little bit nuts, I never figured it out, the algorithm I mean.

Speaking of being completely awkward around girls. I have this great friend that I love (see previous posts) and I always feel really awkward around her. I don't feel this way around everyone but I do around her. I like her I really do, she is a fantastic person, and I really want her to like me, to be interested in who I am and what I have to say, but I get this feeling that she doesn't. So I end up in this awkward state of trying to hard to impress while at the same time recognizing it and then trying really hard to act natural - to be at ease, and when you are trying to act it, nothing is harder to do than natural. Come to think of it there are a couple of people like that in my life. This one is just closer to me than the rest.

Ours is not a Caravan of Dispair

There comes a time in every love where you take off the shell that guards your inner sanctum. I'm not strictly speaking about romantic love but really about all places where you might say I Love You to another person. Many approach this moment with great trepidation and some never venture near it. The shells we put on are comforting, it is a mask that we put on to please those around us, it is the shield of indifference that we raise to protect us from the scorn of others and it is the blade of cold steal and reason that we set upon our own beating heart so that we may prevent it from growing any larger or beating any faster. If we take off this shell too prematurely we risk bruising our essence, our unguarded soul, against the hard shells of those around us; conversely if we take off this shell too late we may bump against something that we realize too late that we truly loved. The indifference in our shields can strike as scorn to those that move about us unguarded.

I should also add that this time — this moment may occur several times in a single relationship. As the love waxes and wanes, floods and fades, so too will we determine that we have no need of our shells or that we must once again don our heavy armor.

Have I removed my shell too early? Do you love me too? For I know that I have stood before you unguarded and did not feel the elated sensation of souls connecting, but your hard shell against my soft skin.
.../\/
I feel I have lost a friend that I hold dear to me. I saw her online yesterday, but I didn't say anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid that she would respond with, disinterest, with falseness, with mask and shield. She didn't say anything to me either. It felt awkward, like being the only two people in a room and not looking at each other. Was I wrong not to extend my hand, not to try and say hello. I am telling my self that I was not, that it was up to her if she wanted to talk to me. The friendship we had has died in so many ways, just been canceled. I was afraid of this, and I told her so, and she laughed at me. I didn't laugh though, I have been walked out on by so many people that by now I think I can see it coming, and I saw it in her. She did it slowly at first, turning her head, as if to avert her gaze from that which she did not like, receding into herself, pulling away, imperceptibly slow, and then, as if by magic, I woke up one morning and she was gone, and I cried. Friendship canceled. I think about her every day, there are these places around town that she haunts, and whenever I pass them by I see her there in my mind, happy friends her and I. She haunts me again today, and she will tomorrow. I'd bet dollars to donuts that she hasn't even though of me since last we spoke. She left me because of me, I should make that clear, it was my fault she was not happy with me, my fault she is gone from my life. This beautiful person that I knew. I am still here, just about to cry.

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, idolater, worshiper of fire, come even though you have broken your vows a thousand times, Come, and come yet again. Ours is not a caravan of despair."-rumi

We are the leaders of it all.

Now push back the square
Not that you need them - and you don't
Well there you go!

All alone.

Every once and a while I get in these moods where I just want to be destroyed. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt and I just want to wallow in it. Have you been there too, have we all, do you go there often? I need to be loved, I need someone to come here and care for me. I need someone to call me right now and tell me that they love me. No one ever does. It makes me tired. I could call some one and ask for it, but that is not what I need at all. I don't need someone to give me what I ask for, I need someone just to love me.

The crappiest magical item ever

A saddle that enables you to ride a gelatinous cube you cant get anywhere and if someone casts an area dispel on you your stuck in a gelatinous cube, crap.

Vacation

Today was beautiful.
I've been in Canada for the past couple of days at a friends cabin (sort of). We are on the coast of Lake Huron, and went tubing the past two days. It was my first time ever tubing and it was awesome. For those of you that don't know you basically hang on to some sort of flotation device tided to a boat and the boat driver yanks you around the water. You have to hang on tight otherwise you get yanked off. It feels a bit like being superman because you are sort of soaring over the water at ridiculous speed, sometimes a bit sideways too. The downside of all this fun is you can get really soar from hanging on for dear life. My back is killing me right now, and it almost never hurts, it is probably a combination of tubing and my hard and very small bed. Hopefully I can get a nice back rub when i get home but that only means the five hour drive home is going to be a bitch. It's nice here, like a sweet little vacation before school starts. At the same time I know I will be happy when I get back home. Like a vacation from this vacation. There are one-thousand little comforts that we take for granted when we are home. Chief among them is being yourself. Not having to put on any pretenses... , listening to your own music whenever you want.

The First Day in the City

So this is my first posting. I have been considering a blog for a while, just as a sort of way to let things out. I've got a lot running around in my head and for the most part it just stays there until I forget it. I'm not sure how to go about this... and at the moment I feel entirely unoriginal, I have seen countless blogs that start off almost exactly like this one.

I want the opportunity to write, I haven't dedicated any time to writing in a very long time. I want the opportunity to share, I love music and video games and books and lyrics, and there are some things out there that I want other people to experience too. I want to tell people what I really feel with out having to tell them, a bit cowardly really, but hey nobody says everything that they are thinking to anyone.