Closer

My knees are covered with mud. My hair is dripping wet. I feel completely empty. I feel empty. I have slept little and eaten less. I am a man with no where to turn and only myself to blame. Really that is the biting point. That had I done things differently, one little word here, one change there, the world might be a little sunnier today. The world was sunnier yesterday. Now it feels gray gray gray. I should be happier. I should be the master of letting go. I don't know how anymore. I'm so tired still I cannot sleep. Every time I close my eyes my heart beats heavy and fast and I wake back up again. A man should not have to master such an art, and here I practice yet again. I should be happier. I am leaving soon. Leaving this whole lonely town behind. I screamed last night. I screamed and screamed and screamed.

If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.
If no one knows your sad your not sad.

You can't be sad when you're angry.
You can't be sad when you're angry.

You can't be sad when you're angry.

You can't be sad when you're angry!!

When you're lonely your sad


After meeting with my therapist for months you know what he said to me... lie... lie constantly and lie through your teeth. Your never gonna make it any other way. I don't fit in this world I really don't. I'm not sad without cause. I'm not depressed for no reason. I just honest to goodness do not fit in and it is so hard to lie all the time. I just need a place to be honest.

I can't even hope for that. Every time I try it all just falls apart. I've lost many friends trying to be honest. I must learn to be okay falling apart on my own, otherwise I may never be okay.