Disconnected

I wanted to connect with you this morning but I didn't know how. Sometimes I feel trapped by the constraints of society. We are only supposed to feel a certain way we are only supposed to think a certain way we are only supposed to love a certain way. The truth wells up inside of me and I choke on it as the external forces shove it back down my throat into my heart.

In truth their are no external forces I alone bite down on my tongue and stop myself from speaking, but it is not because I have accepted the rules set before me. It is only because I believe you have. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all, they are good rules to be sure, but I wonder if they reflect our true nature or if we just keep trying to fool ourselves into believing that they do.

I cannot connect.

Pure Morning

This article makes me cry every time I read it

The Washington Post

Wish me Luck

I have surgery tomorrow wish me luck.

The Caravan Rolls On

I got a message from someone today. It said "Hello friend" that is all. This from the friend that I had lost, that I mentioned earlier. I responded immediately "hello," at first I was happy, thinking maybe we can start talking again. Then I felt like I was some sort of wild animal gently being poked and tested to see if I would bite. I feel like she is testing the waters to see how cold they are. Part of me wants to be ice cold, and pretend that I have completely moved on from the friendship that we shared, and that I don't need it any more. Part of me want to make her try for my friendship and ask forgiveness for shutting me out for so long... it did not have to be so long.

But the only reason that I want to do that, the only reason I want to be cold is test her love so I could tell my self that she really wanted me in her life, and that she really wanted to be my friend. She would fail, I am quite certain of it. She does not need me in her life anymore than I need a swift kick in the junk.

I need her though, and it will end up being me trying to prove myself to her, perhaps as it should be for how I have displeased her. And yet, I still feel like a lowly dog that keeps coming back to get kicked, begging for forgiveness all the while.

Yes yes of course I still love you, and I still want to be your friend, oh please forgive me I have been so wrong all along,
take me when you want me,
use me when you need me
please just don't leave me when you're done... sigh you are all I have friend, you can use me again

my whole life
all along
just the same
empty shell
husk of man.

Fare Thee Well

...and I would hold them all in my heart if i could - every love and friend that I ever had to say goodbye to or never got the chance

No REALLY, how are you?

I have had some friends staying over for the past couple of days because their place is infested with bed bugs (and has been since before they moved in), and they are getting it taken care of. Consequently they don't feel comfortable sleeping there until the bugs are gone. I think the exterminator has to spray once a week for two months. They won't be staying for the whole two months, just until they can get their landlord to give them a different apartment. Anyways they are both really stressed about the situation which is understandable, and I am trying really hard to make them feel comfortable, and at home, but that is impossible. People need their own space, they need a time to be totally themselves, and that is very difficult for some people to do when they are in groups bigger than two. We are all in one apartment walking around each other and I can feel them like a towering pillar of stress and pain, and I just want to comfort them. I want to be a good friend, but I can't. At least not the way that I think of comfort. I must give space and by doing so I feel like I am smothering this burning desire to do exactly the opposite. Maybe If I could just tell them that I want to comfort them, but saying it feels so false - I want to comfort you - like asking some one how they are and not really wanting to hear the answer. We say it because we think we are supposed to say it. We use it as a manner of greeting each other and not so much as a question really. I try to ask it as a question, and not simply use it as a greeting, and when I do I look directly into my friends eyes and try to convey to them through some silent understanding that I was not simply saying hello, but actually asking, How - they - are - feeling.

I want to know I really do... I want to love, and comfort... I really do. I'm just holding my self back because I believe that is not what you want right now, am I wrong, could I hug you... you look like you could use one.

I want to wake up one morning and have all of the people that I love wake up, and know, that I was really asking, and stop assuming that I really didn't want to know.

It's one of those lonely self destructive nights where I just want to hurt, and I surround myself with all the empty space around me, with all the people that aren't there. Where words wont work for my any more and there is no way for me to convey the core of my feeling.