My on again off again friend

I saw her yesterday, my on again off again friend. She invited me over and we spent a couple of hours together. We ate and talked for a bit then we went to see her boyfriend and one of my estranged friends play soccer. It felt awkward but not terribly awkward, I suppose the best word to describe the whole event was sterile. I'm not sure why it felt that way. I felt withdrawn from here, like I could no longer be myself. I sat across the room from her most of the time when we were alone, and at the soccer game we could both be distracted... we did not have to look at each other. We did not have to speak to each other about matters of consequence,

Disconnected

I wanted to connect with you this morning but I didn't know how. Sometimes I feel trapped by the constraints of society. We are only supposed to feel a certain way we are only supposed to think a certain way we are only supposed to love a certain way. The truth wells up inside of me and I choke on it as the external forces shove it back down my throat into my heart.

In truth their are no external forces I alone bite down on my tongue and stop myself from speaking, but it is not because I have accepted the rules set before me. It is only because I believe you have. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all, they are good rules to be sure, but I wonder if they reflect our true nature or if we just keep trying to fool ourselves into believing that they do.

I cannot connect.

Pure Morning

This article makes me cry every time I read it

The Washington Post

Wish me Luck

I have surgery tomorrow wish me luck.

The Caravan Rolls On

I got a message from someone today. It said "Hello friend" that is all. This from the friend that I had lost, that I mentioned earlier. I responded immediately "hello," at first I was happy, thinking maybe we can start talking again. Then I felt like I was some sort of wild animal gently being poked and tested to see if I would bite. I feel like she is testing the waters to see how cold they are. Part of me wants to be ice cold, and pretend that I have completely moved on from the friendship that we shared, and that I don't need it any more. Part of me want to make her try for my friendship and ask forgiveness for shutting me out for so long... it did not have to be so long.

But the only reason that I want to do that, the only reason I want to be cold is test her love so I could tell my self that she really wanted me in her life, and that she really wanted to be my friend. She would fail, I am quite certain of it. She does not need me in her life anymore than I need a swift kick in the junk.

I need her though, and it will end up being me trying to prove myself to her, perhaps as it should be for how I have displeased her. And yet, I still feel like a lowly dog that keeps coming back to get kicked, begging for forgiveness all the while.

Yes yes of course I still love you, and I still want to be your friend, oh please forgive me I have been so wrong all along,
take me when you want me,
use me when you need me
please just don't leave me when you're done... sigh you are all I have friend, you can use me again

my whole life
all along
just the same
empty shell
husk of man.

Fare Thee Well

...and I would hold them all in my heart if i could - every love and friend that I ever had to say goodbye to or never got the chance