I recently accidentally deleted the past couple months of pictures which is pretty embarrassing for someone that is supposed to be tech savvy, but after spending over a week scanning my hard drive trying to get find them again I came up with nothing. So I shrugged my shoulders and decided I should go outside and take some more pictures.
We make light of our pain. We poke fun at it and we laugh at it and we push it off, but we hurt. We all hurt, and underneath the veil of laughter is a land of tears. Just beneath the skin it seems. And we stand there, tenuously on our false laughter, often just about to break. Maybe sometimes we should, come to grips and realize that we just want to cry. I am bound and gagged by failure and missteps. I can no longer afford to rend my heart before the earth and yet I know of no better way to break through the veil. It is thin but it is strong and it is so hard to break in from the outside. I cannot help you. I cannot help you. I cannot help you. I know that I love you and I love to easily
Just something else that I wanted to share with you. "Yea they really want you they really want your they really do Yea they really want you they really want you but I do to"
For all the friends I have the I struggle not to call every day. Loved by all wanted by all and I am I just trying so hard not to be... one among many. Not to be another person that calls you every day to tell you how much I love you. Not to be a bother to you :: sigh :: yea they really want you but I do too...
It just dawned on me why I feel this way about some of my friends. I feel like I contribute nothing to their lives. I am just another person hanging on to someone beautiful. I just realized that I need to feel needed and I don't, or at least not needed by all my friends. Are you the same? Is there anyone in your life that you feel would hardly even blink if you walked out of their life right now, yet you love them dearly? Is it fair, is it good, is it true? Is it love? Am I too thin skinned? I would cry if one of them walked out, I have.
I saw her yesterday, my on again off again friend. She invited me over and we spent a couple of hours together. We ate and talked for a bit then we went to see her boyfriend and one of my estranged friends play soccer. It felt awkward but not terribly awkward, I suppose the best word to describe the whole event was sterile. I'm not sure why it felt that way. I felt withdrawn from here, like I could no longer be myself. I sat across the room from her most of the time when we were alone, and at the soccer game we could both be distracted... we did not have to look at each other. We did not have to speak to each other about matters of consequence,
I wanted to connect with you this morning but I didn't know how. Sometimes I feel trapped by the constraints of society. We are only supposed to feel a certain way we are only supposed to think a certain way we are only supposed to love a certain way. The truth wells up inside of me and I choke on it as the external forces shove it back down my throat into my heart.
In truth their are no external forces I alone bite down on my tongue and stop myself from speaking, but it is not because I have accepted the rules set before me. It is only because I believe you have. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all, they are good rules to be sure, but I wonder if they reflect our true nature or if we just keep trying to fool ourselves into believing that they do.
