The Caravan Rolls On

I got a message from someone today. It said "Hello friend" that is all. This from the friend that I had lost, that I mentioned earlier. I responded immediately "hello," at first I was happy, thinking maybe we can start talking again. Then I felt like I was some sort of wild animal gently being poked and tested to see if I would bite. I feel like she is testing the waters to see how cold they are. Part of me wants to be ice cold, and pretend that I have completely moved on from the friendship that we shared, and that I don't need it any more. Part of me want to make her try for my friendship and ask forgiveness for shutting me out for so long... it did not have to be so long.

But the only reason that I want to do that, the only reason I want to be cold is test her love so I could tell my self that she really wanted me in her life, and that she really wanted to be my friend. She would fail, I am quite certain of it. She does not need me in her life anymore than I need a swift kick in the junk.

I need her though, and it will end up being me trying to prove myself to her, perhaps as it should be for how I have displeased her. And yet, I still feel like a lowly dog that keeps coming back to get kicked, begging for forgiveness all the while.

Yes yes of course I still love you, and I still want to be your friend, oh please forgive me I have been so wrong all along,
take me when you want me,
use me when you need me
please just don't leave me when you're done... sigh you are all I have friend, you can use me again

my whole life
all along
just the same
empty shell
husk of man.