Please Like Me, I Can Sing and Dance and Do Neat Tricks

Today was another long day for me. Classes have been really tough and I have been out of school for so long that it is even harder for me. I constantly feel like I am falling behind, or struggling to catch up. Part of the college experience is learning to prioritize your values. There are only so many things that I can do in a day, pages I can read, and code I can write. What here will affect my grade more. Maybe I can do it all. That's what I have been trying to do, consequently I have only slept one night this week and it is ... well Friday I suppose. To be honest I slept 3 nights this week, except for it was only 3 or 4 hours a night, and 8 hours on Wednesday.
I am dreaming in code. I am constantly thinking about my world in it. I had a dream the other night that this cute woman walked into my apartment and I was trying to figure out the best algorithm to talk to her, it was a little bit nuts, I never figured it out, the algorithm I mean.

Speaking of being completely awkward around girls. I have this great friend that I love (see previous posts) and I always feel really awkward around her. I don't feel this way around everyone but I do around her. I like her I really do, she is a fantastic person, and I really want her to like me, to be interested in who I am and what I have to say, but I get this feeling that she doesn't. So I end up in this awkward state of trying to hard to impress while at the same time recognizing it and then trying really hard to act natural - to be at ease, and when you are trying to act it, nothing is harder to do than natural. Come to think of it there are a couple of people like that in my life. This one is just closer to me than the rest.

Ours is not a Caravan of Dispair

There comes a time in every love where you take off the shell that guards your inner sanctum. I'm not strictly speaking about romantic love but really about all places where you might say I Love You to another person. Many approach this moment with great trepidation and some never venture near it. The shells we put on are comforting, it is a mask that we put on to please those around us, it is the shield of indifference that we raise to protect us from the scorn of others and it is the blade of cold steal and reason that we set upon our own beating heart so that we may prevent it from growing any larger or beating any faster. If we take off this shell too prematurely we risk bruising our essence, our unguarded soul, against the hard shells of those around us; conversely if we take off this shell too late we may bump against something that we realize too late that we truly loved. The indifference in our shields can strike as scorn to those that move about us unguarded.

I should also add that this time — this moment may occur several times in a single relationship. As the love waxes and wanes, floods and fades, so too will we determine that we have no need of our shells or that we must once again don our heavy armor.

Have I removed my shell too early? Do you love me too? For I know that I have stood before you unguarded and did not feel the elated sensation of souls connecting, but your hard shell against my soft skin.
.../\/
I feel I have lost a friend that I hold dear to me. I saw her online yesterday, but I didn't say anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid that she would respond with, disinterest, with falseness, with mask and shield. She didn't say anything to me either. It felt awkward, like being the only two people in a room and not looking at each other. Was I wrong not to extend my hand, not to try and say hello. I am telling my self that I was not, that it was up to her if she wanted to talk to me. The friendship we had has died in so many ways, just been canceled. I was afraid of this, and I told her so, and she laughed at me. I didn't laugh though, I have been walked out on by so many people that by now I think I can see it coming, and I saw it in her. She did it slowly at first, turning her head, as if to avert her gaze from that which she did not like, receding into herself, pulling away, imperceptibly slow, and then, as if by magic, I woke up one morning and she was gone, and I cried. Friendship canceled. I think about her every day, there are these places around town that she haunts, and whenever I pass them by I see her there in my mind, happy friends her and I. She haunts me again today, and she will tomorrow. I'd bet dollars to donuts that she hasn't even though of me since last we spoke. She left me because of me, I should make that clear, it was my fault she was not happy with me, my fault she is gone from my life. This beautiful person that I knew. I am still here, just about to cry.

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, idolater, worshiper of fire, come even though you have broken your vows a thousand times, Come, and come yet again. Ours is not a caravan of despair."-rumi

We are the leaders of it all.

Now push back the square
Not that you need them - and you don't
Well there you go!

All alone.

Every once and a while I get in these moods where I just want to be destroyed. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt and I just want to wallow in it. Have you been there too, have we all, do you go there often? I need to be loved, I need someone to come here and care for me. I need someone to call me right now and tell me that they love me. No one ever does. It makes me tired. I could call some one and ask for it, but that is not what I need at all. I don't need someone to give me what I ask for, I need someone just to love me.

The crappiest magical item ever

A saddle that enables you to ride a gelatinous cube you cant get anywhere and if someone casts an area dispel on you your stuck in a gelatinous cube, crap.

Vacation

Today was beautiful.
I've been in Canada for the past couple of days at a friends cabin (sort of). We are on the coast of Lake Huron, and went tubing the past two days. It was my first time ever tubing and it was awesome. For those of you that don't know you basically hang on to some sort of flotation device tided to a boat and the boat driver yanks you around the water. You have to hang on tight otherwise you get yanked off. It feels a bit like being superman because you are sort of soaring over the water at ridiculous speed, sometimes a bit sideways too. The downside of all this fun is you can get really soar from hanging on for dear life. My back is killing me right now, and it almost never hurts, it is probably a combination of tubing and my hard and very small bed. Hopefully I can get a nice back rub when i get home but that only means the five hour drive home is going to be a bitch. It's nice here, like a sweet little vacation before school starts. At the same time I know I will be happy when I get back home. Like a vacation from this vacation. There are one-thousand little comforts that we take for granted when we are home. Chief among them is being yourself. Not having to put on any pretenses... , listening to your own music whenever you want.