Ours is not a Caravan of Dispair

There comes a time in every love where you take off the shell that guards your inner sanctum. I'm not strictly speaking about romantic love but really about all places where you might say I Love You to another person. Many approach this moment with great trepidation and some never venture near it. The shells we put on are comforting, it is a mask that we put on to please those around us, it is the shield of indifference that we raise to protect us from the scorn of others and it is the blade of cold steal and reason that we set upon our own beating heart so that we may prevent it from growing any larger or beating any faster. If we take off this shell too prematurely we risk bruising our essence, our unguarded soul, against the hard shells of those around us; conversely if we take off this shell too late we may bump against something that we realize too late that we truly loved. The indifference in our shields can strike as scorn to those that move about us unguarded.

I should also add that this time — this moment may occur several times in a single relationship. As the love waxes and wanes, floods and fades, so too will we determine that we have no need of our shells or that we must once again don our heavy armor.

Have I removed my shell too early? Do you love me too? For I know that I have stood before you unguarded and did not feel the elated sensation of souls connecting, but your hard shell against my soft skin.
.../\/
I feel I have lost a friend that I hold dear to me. I saw her online yesterday, but I didn't say anything. I wanted to, but I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid that she would respond with, disinterest, with falseness, with mask and shield. She didn't say anything to me either. It felt awkward, like being the only two people in a room and not looking at each other. Was I wrong not to extend my hand, not to try and say hello. I am telling my self that I was not, that it was up to her if she wanted to talk to me. The friendship we had has died in so many ways, just been canceled. I was afraid of this, and I told her so, and she laughed at me. I didn't laugh though, I have been walked out on by so many people that by now I think I can see it coming, and I saw it in her. She did it slowly at first, turning her head, as if to avert her gaze from that which she did not like, receding into herself, pulling away, imperceptibly slow, and then, as if by magic, I woke up one morning and she was gone, and I cried. Friendship canceled. I think about her every day, there are these places around town that she haunts, and whenever I pass them by I see her there in my mind, happy friends her and I. She haunts me again today, and she will tomorrow. I'd bet dollars to donuts that she hasn't even though of me since last we spoke. She left me because of me, I should make that clear, it was my fault she was not happy with me, my fault she is gone from my life. This beautiful person that I knew. I am still here, just about to cry.

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, idolater, worshiper of fire, come even though you have broken your vows a thousand times, Come, and come yet again. Ours is not a caravan of despair."-rumi